1trickpony’s Blog

Yes we have no bananas

February 1, 2009 · Leave a Comment

The cult of personality. Where would Hollyweird be without it? A virtual cavalcade of lunatics, space cadets and reptilian-brained numbskulls all marching their way towards Hollywood and Vine to become STARS or at the very least their own planet. Their dedicated militarism is only superceded by their awe-inspiring denial of reality or other people’s human needs.

I can fly! I am a god! I am as big as a house! There are just some of the heartfelt cries heard from such luminous Hollywood bodies as John Revolting, Tom “I don’t wrestle other men behind closed doors” Cruise and Kristie “Fat Actress” Alley.

Fly the freak show skies

Look who's talking

Tom Cruise fakes orgasim for umptenth time

Tom Cruise fakes own orgasm, hetero audience approves

Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your drive-thru order

Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your drive-thru order

→ Leave a CommentCategories: American Actors · Celebrities · Hollywood Celebrities · John Travolta · Kirstie Alley · Movies · Parker Stevens feels no shame · Tom Cruise

Free at last!

January 21, 2009 · Leave a Comment

President of the United States of America, Barak H. Obama, where have you been all our life?!

→ Leave a CommentCategories: Movies

Actors who work in Hollywood as a favor to a loved one

January 18, 2009 · Leave a Comment

Example #1 Joan and Melissa Rivers

Joaned at the hip: Melissa Rivers works lop-sided to the detriment of the viewer

Human love sponge and My Redneck Wedding-Host Tom Arnold knows all about the fart of deal

Human love sponge and My Redneck Wedding-Host Tom Arnold knows all about the fart of deal

"I'd like to thank my husband for this award and for all those years of syphilis. Who knew you could get it sitting down at Bagel Nosh?

Annette Bening: "I'd like to thank my husband for this award and for all those years of syphilis!"

Have you slept with Ted Harber Lately?

Chelsea Haggard: Slept with Ted Harber Lately?

Priscilla and offspring Lisa Marie Presley gourge on their celebrity additions to surgery and meatball sandwiches

Parasite Pretty: Priscilla and offspring Lisa Marie Presley gorge on their celebrity additions to cosmetic surgery and meatball sandwiches, respectively

A little less conversation, a little more Irish stew

A little less conversation, a little more Irish stew

Nice work if you can get it

Rita Wilson: Nice work if you can get it

"A $100 million divorce later, I have movie roles flown in to see me!"

Amy Irving: "A $100 million divorce later, I have movie productions flown in to see me!"

Why Sharon Osbourne needed tubal ligation

The Osbournes: The argument for forced sterilization rages on

Executive decisions were meant to be broken

Tori Spelling: Executive decisions by senile glow worms were meant to be broken

→ Leave a CommentCategories: Movies

Hollywood sick with beauty!

January 10, 2009 · Leave a Comment

Send in the clowns
Dame Yenta
There ought to be clowns
Yenta with hoops
Windswept Yenta
Windswept Yenta

→ Leave a CommentCategories: Movies

Hollywood’s Comedy Elite: Very Tired, Very Bloated and Very Not Funny

January 9, 2009 · Leave a Comment

Can we talk?

Look Who’s Laughing? Hyper-spastics teens raised on corn-syrup, anti-psychotic drugs with a self-inflicted joy-stick shoved up their ass. Lovely.

“I have the attention span of a gnat with the stamina of a mule and the intellectual curiosity of a goat. Wow, can I eat this? I wonder what it tastes like, phhhrrrt. I’m still hungry, fat and stupid.”

Kids have become creepy. Sorry but My Sweet 16, American Idol, Superbad and childhood obesity is enough to make anyone jump out of a window to get away from them.

They have discriminating taste and they should be the ones to dictate what comedy gold is mined for American audiences. Fuck the minorities of adults who read! With all the good news these days, they are the last cognizent people who need entertainment. Besides, they have the Pink Panther Deux – Taking a Dump on Peter Seller’s Grave and Bedtime Stories – How to Become a Corporate Shill in Less than a Decade.

Quality does matter. Originality does matter.

Enough with the “Dude, I can’t stop farting, belching, fucking.”

“What happens in Vegas spreads in Vegas” Where’d that missing corpse go! Bachelor Party XIX – Ugly White Guys Get Laid!”  “I’ve fallen and I can’t get laid” “These stupid bitches really like me” “whoops, I got her pregnant”, “Ha, ha ha I smoke to much pot” “watch me light my balls on fire: The Movie”

“High Concept: “Whoops, I forgot to loose my virginity”, “Whoops I need to loose my virginity” “Whoops, Let’s go to white castle and get laid but first let’s smoke some weed and light our balls on fire” comedies.

THEY ALL SUCK, THEY ARE NOT FUNNY AND THE PEOPLE WHO STAR, MAKE, GO TO THESE FILMS ARE ALL ASSHOLES AND WHY WE ARE ALL GOING DOWN THE SHITTER.

It’s a theory but it’s based on cultural morays. And this trend is RETARDED, EMPTY VILE AND OFFENSIVE.

It renders meaninglessness and leaves a wake of depression and destructive behavior. But good or bad, its not funny. Says me. I wouldn’t think this shit was funny if I were 11, 12 or 13. Pot humor: Cheech and Chong. Getting laid: Animal House. Politically Incorrect: Caddy Shack, hell put Porky’s in there. A little crude, a little dude is fine. But what we have here is a dead shark. There must be intelligence, wit, charm lurking in any comedy.

I don’t care what’s popular and who’s making the money. The end does not justify the means. Hollywood is starved for new talent. The old guard needs to be dethroned. The problem is the greenlighters are too scared to make good movies, they make safe movies. Easy movies. There are good writers out there but their scripts get past because they are too intelligent, too different. and because audiences won’t buy it.

→ Leave a CommentCategories: (Modes of) Alienation · American Actors · Assholes, Grade A · Bad Idea · Gossip · Hollywood · Hollywood Producers · Male Enhancement · Medication · Movie Pitch · Movies

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life

January 8, 2009 · Leave a Comment

A Face for Radio

From now on your Delta Tau Chi name is... Flounder

Schluby Geek

ZERO POINT ZERO

If George Wendt and Jeff Garlin Mated

A wimp and a blimp

Man tits are funny!

Man tits are funny!

→ Leave a CommentCategories: Movies

Hollywood Sociopaths: Where Shit is Organic Too

January 7, 2009 · Leave a Comment

I am going to let you in on a little secret:

Hollywood is FULL of sociopaths.

Mental wounds still screaming, driving me insane, I'm going off the rails on a Crazy Train

Mental wounds still screaming, driving me insane, I'm going off the rails on a Crazy Train

The only nice people in the business are in the arts/crafts side, the crew and camera folk. Writers are in their own category. They tend to be weird, social miscreants but they have so much humility (read: self-loathing) that it all balances out. If a writer is a windbag, they’re probably not much of a writer.

Movie stars however are a mixed bag of lunatics.

radio

N a r c i s s i s t i c

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I n f a n t i l e

anjelina-jolie-wont-have-me


U n b e l i e v a b l y  S p o i l e d  &  La z y

riding-the-bus-with-my-fat-retarded-sister-rosie

And those are the nice ones.

Only a limited number are able to retain human-like qualities (Tom Hanks, Erin Moran).  Among this slim bunch, at least half need to self-medicate in order to swallow the hideous compromise that is LA.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “What about people like Penelope Cruz? She’s gorgeous, happy as a clam and muy famous.”

Penelope Cruz doesn’t count.

First of all, she can’t act her way out of a paper bag. Second, she’s one of those well-adjusted Europeans with their “life is beautiful perspective” – she’s not a neurotic American so she’s off the list.  She’s no Edith Piaf for Chrissakes.

However, if at some point she MARRIES an American actor, we can then all watch that sinking ship go down together. Think: Antonio Bandaras, Fernando Llamas, Zsa Zsa Gabor dahlink.

Don’t believe the hype: Europeans and Yankees don’t mix. It’s a virtual Molotov cocktail of love.

I’m off to Peet’s for a non-foamy 1/2 dairy peppermint frappacino bowel-flush.

Yummy, yummy, yummy in the tummy. Its fun to be an adult. We can drink coffee and drive ourselves to work.

Let’s recap:
* Hollywood is full of sociopaths.
* Coffee is delicious.

→ Leave a CommentCategories: Movie Stars · Movies · Sociopath

Hittin’ the Wall of Fame – Red Carpet Style

January 7, 2009 · Leave a Comment

Katie Holmes after seeing Beverly Hills Chiuhuahua

Katie Holmes after seeing Beverly Hills Chihuahua

The Four Men of the Apocalypse

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

E.T.'s Life Coach phones home, Mrs. Roper answers and wants to know when she can expect her headband back

E.T.'s life coach phones home, Mrs. Roper answers and asks for her headband back

Shoop Shoop Oink!

Shoop shoop barf oink!

→ Leave a CommentCategories: Arnold Schwartzenegger · Beverly Hills Chihuahua · Bruce "Uncle Fester" Willis · Embarrasing · Fashion · Hollywood Celebrities · John Travolta · Oink! · Olsen Twins · Ooftah! · Sly Stallone · Ugly Twin

It is a beautiful night out there in Los Angeles

January 6, 2009 · Leave a Comment

Tori Spelling and her Humunculous casually renew wedding vows before muching down some extra large hotdogs before onlookers. The improptu ceremony included wedding cake from Walgreen's and double-team breastfeeding.

Tori Spelling and her homunculus casually renewed their vows at Hollywood's Tail O' Pup before ingesting multiple 91050-sized hot dogs. The impromptu ceremony was followed by wedding cake from Walgreen's and a double-time breast-feeding session.

Good Year for Joan Rivers

Good Year Presents Joan Rivers: Punctured, Stretched, Inflated and Resealed

Money (and Eyebrow Wax) Changes Everything

Money Changes Everything

Rhinosaurus Ugly

Rhinosaurus Ugly

→ Leave a CommentCategories: Assholes, Grade A · Breastfeeding · Dean McDermott · Dumb Guys with Big Watches · Elizabeth Taylor · George Clooney · Hollywood Celebrities · Joan Rivers · Parasites · Plastic Surgery Gone Wild · Shameful · Tori Spelling

Hittin’ the Wall of Fame

January 5, 2009 · Leave a Comment

We don't need another Giro

We don't need another Gyro

Chaka Can't

Chaka Can't

Understudy for The Joker

If Michelle Pfeiffer and The Joker mated

Walking the runway of the undead, Lagerfeld debuts rare Chanel bag filled with Unicorn meat

Walking the runway of the undead, Lagerfeld debuts rare Chanel bag filled with Unicorn meat

→ Leave a CommentCategories: Chanel · Greek Food · Karl Lagerfeld · Michelle Pfeiffer · Olsen Twins · The Joker! · Tina Turner · Ugly Twin